513 The One With Joey's Bag(教育精品)

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1、513 The One With Joeys BagScene: Chandlers bedroom, he is giving Monica a massage.Monica: I cant believe weve never done this before! Its sooo good! So good for Monica! (Chandler picks up the timer being used and turns it to zero at which it chimes.)Chandler: Oh! Look at that, times up! My turn!Moni

2、ca: That was a half an hour?Chandler: Its your timer.(They change places.)Monica: Yknow, I dont like to brag about it, but I give the best massages!Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice!(She starts the massage, only she is doing extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in pain.)Chandler:

3、Ah! Ahh! Ahh!Monica: Its so good, isnt it?Chandler: Its so good I dont know what Ive done to deserve it!Monica: Say good-bye to sore muscles!Chandler: Good-bye muscles!Opening CreditsScene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.Chandler: Im telling you, she gives the worst massage

4、s ever! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I justI didnt know what it was!Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life Im in a real relationship. Okay, Im not gonna screw that up by

5、yknow, telling the truth.Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey.Joey: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat! (He picks a hat up from the floor. Its one of those magician stovepipe hats.)Ross: Sorry.Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts look

6、ing for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)Ross: (glaring at Joey) This would be the place where you explain the hat.Joey: Oh! Yeah, look theres this play all right? And Im up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition

7、 is gonna be wearing this kinda yknow, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.Chandler: And youre gonna make them all disappear.Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.(Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his head.)Chandler: Done.Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look

8、 good, why dont you just come down to the store? Ill help you out.Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach!Rachel: Sure! (Pause) God, please take those off!Joey: All right. (Both of them remove their hats as Phoebe enters.) Ross: Hey Pheebs, hows it going?Chandler: Hey.Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I j

9、ust got back from, from the hospital.(All at once.)Rachel: What?Ross: Is everything okay?Joey: Are you all right?Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. Im fine. Im okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died.Joey: Pheebs! Sorry!Phoebe: Its okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And its not like Im never gonna

10、see her again, yknow shes gonna visit.Rachel: Well maybe, maybe shes with us right now?Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and shes gonna come to the coffeehouse!Monica: (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside.Ross: Uhh, Pheebs Gran

11、dmother just died.Monica: Ohh my God, Im so sorry.Phoebe: Its okay. Actually yknow what, its kinda cool. Cause its like yknow, one life ends and another begins.Monica: (to the guys) Not the way theyre doing it. What, what happened? How did she die?Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she

12、 bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again.Joey: Pheebs, Im so sorry.Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; Okay dear, you go get the eggs and Im gonna get the yogurt and well meet at the checkout counter. And yknow what? We will meet at the checkout

13、 counter.Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachel is fixing Joey up with some new clothes.Rachel: Okay now Joey, yknow that since youre returning all of this stuff right after the audition youre gonna have to wear underwear?Joey: All right, then youd better show me some of that too then.Rachel: Okay, its missin

14、g something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay. (Goes and grabs a bag, that looks like a purse, and shows it to Joey.)Joey: Really? A purse?Rachel: Its not a purse! Its a shoulder bag.Joey: It looks like a womens purse.Rachel: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. Look. (

15、Shows him.) See look, men, carrying the bag.Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. (He puts it on his shoulder and looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how a womens purse looks good on me, a man.Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple d

16、ays ago.Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.Joey: Well, I aint gonna say no to that.Scene: Ursulas apartment, Phoebe is about to break the bad news to her sister. She knocks on the door.Ursula: Who is it?Phoebe: Its Phoebe.Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, whats up?Phoebe:

17、Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in?Ursula: Umm, yeahno thanks.Phoebe: Umm, well, umm Grandma died.Ursula: Wow! Didnt she die like five years ago?Phoebe: No, she just died today! Okay, umm, were having a memorial service tomorrow.Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.Pho

18、ebe: No you didnt!Ursula: Well, then whos been dead for five years?Phoebe: Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not?Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, Im going to a concert tomorrow. So Id invite you, but umm, I on

19、ly have two tickets left.Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. (Starts to leave.)Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on the couch as Joey enters with his new bag.Joey: Hey!Chandler: Hey!(As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice the bag and stare at e

20、ach other in shock.)Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani!Joey: What? Are you referring to my mans bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but its practical too. Check it out! Its got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!Ross: Your make

21、-up!Rachel: (entering) Joey, what are you doing with the bag? Youre audition is not until tomorrow.Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. (Removes a sandwich and starts eating.)Rachel: Joey, yknow you get any mustard on that bag, you cant return it.Joey: Why would I return it? I love this bag!R

22、achel: All right, then you owe me $350.Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? (Hes holding the fake credit cards that come with the bag.)Rachel: (glaring at him) JoeyJoey: All right relax, look Ill pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get thanks to you.Ross: Whats th

23、e part, Anti-man?Rachel: Hey, dont listen to them. I think its sexy.Joey: U-N-I-sexy? (Smiles provocatively.) Scene: Phoebes Grandmothers memorial, Phoebe is at the door welcoming people.Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look, heres your umm, 3-D glasses and

24、Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on.(The gang arrives.)Rachel: Hi sweetie!Ross: Hey, how are you holding up?Joey: Hey Pheebs, Im so sorry.Phoebe: (notices his bag.) Hey, yknow what? My Grandma had the exact same bag!Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. (He pulls them out of the bag.)P

25、hoebe: Thanks!Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.(Another man, an older man, enters, looking around and bumps into Chandler.)Man: Oops, Im sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial?(The gang moves off as Phoebe greets the new guest.)Phoebe: Yeah, welcome.M

26、an: Hello. Hello.Phoebe: Umm heres your 3-D glasses.Man: Oh, umm, all right.Phoebe: So how did you know Francis?Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I havent seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter.Phoebe: Really?! Whats your name?Man: Umm, Frank Buffay. (N

27、eedless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence. And one audience member gasps.) Frank Sr.: (Seeing the look on her face) Yknow what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill.Phoebe: Youre Frank Buffay?Frank Sr.: Shh! (Whispers) No! Joe Hill!Phoebe: You just saidFrank Sr.: Yknow

28、 what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming. (Hands back his glasses and hurries out.)Phoebe: But(Phoebe takes one step after him and stops.)Phoebe: Oh my God!Monica: What?! What honey?Ross: What happened?Phoebe: That was my dad!Chandler: Oh my God!(They all look down the hall he left from.)

29、Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) Its like its coming right at me. (Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joeys arm, which causes his hand to slap him in his face.)Commercial BreakScene: The Fune

30、ral Home, continued from earlier. Phoebe is returning after looking for her father.Monica: Oh, did you catch him?!Phoebe: Uh-huh.Ross: Wh-what did he say?!Phoebe: He said, Nice to meet you Glenda. (They stare at her, dumbfounded) Well, obviously I couldnt give him my real name?Rachel: Why?! Why not?

31、!Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? Hes gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!Joey: What did you say to him?Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him yknow, that I was the executor person of Francis will and that I needed to talk to him so Im gonna meet

32、 him at the coffee house later.The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats?Phoebe: All right, well, I just cant think about that right now. I just wanna say good-bye to my Grandma.Rachel: Okay.Monica: All right, lets go say good-bye.(They put on their glasses and try to find their way to thei

33、r seats.)Scene: Monica and Rachels, after the funeral, everyone is there.Joey: (entering, with bag) Hey! Im off to my audition. How do I look?Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that part.Chandler: And a date with a man!Joey: Yknow what? Make fun all you want. This is a g

34、reat bag! Okay? And its as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you dont understand something, doesnt make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, (pats the bag) comes with a bag! (Exits.)Phoebe: All right, Id better go too. I have to go t

35、alk to my dad.Rachel: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are?Phoebe: Umm, no, not at first cause I-I dont want to freak him outRoss: Well, but arent you pissed at him?! I mean this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious

36、 physical danger! (Getting worked up) I mean I-I-Id walk in there and Id be like, Yo, dad! You and me outside right now! (Calming down.) I kinda scared myself.Monica: Well, at least you scared someone.Phoebe: Yknow its funny, youd think Id be angry. I mean, youd think Id wanna rip his tiny little he

37、ad off. Fortunately, Im past it.Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you. Phoebe: All right.(She goes over and tries to give Phoebe a massage. Phoebe yelps in pain and jumps away from her.)Phoebe: Oh! Get off! Ow! Oh, stop it! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?!Monica: What

38、 are you talking about?Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, Im begging you, never do that to anyone!Monica: (indignant) I give good massages! (Ross laughs.) I used to give them to Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler loves them! Watch! (She starts giving Chandler a massage

39、.)Phoebe: (seeing the look on Chandlers face) He-he does not like it! He hates it! Hes in pain!Monica: No hes not!Chandler: (wincing) Yes, he is!Monica: What?!Chandler: Im sorry but, ow-owww-owww!Monica: Youve been lying to me? I cant believe youd do that.Ross: Well, maybe he just didnt want to hurt

40、 your feelings.Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other (Pauses after she realizes what shes saying.) And by we I mean society.Scene: Joeys audition, he is with bag.The Casting Director: Any time youre ready, Joey.Joey: (reading from the script) Well, you must be new here. Why dont we ge

41、t a table and Ill buy you a drink.The Casting Director: (stopping him) Im sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new here. Maybe we shouldIm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a question.)The Cast

42、ing Director: Sure. What?Joey: Well, first its not a purse.The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.Joey: I mean if-if youre thinking its a womans bag, its not. Its a mans bag!The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! (Does so.) See? Huh? Its the latest t

43、hing! Everyones got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyones carrying them!The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags?Joey: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves.The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!Joey: Yeah but I didnt read anything.The Casting Director: I think weve s

44、een enough!Joey: Okay! All right, Ill see ya. (As hes walking off stage.) (Patting the bag.) We got it! We got it!Scene: Monica and Rachels, Chandler is poking his head in.Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here?Monica: No.Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afterno

45、on and the whole massage thing. Yknow? I-I really like em.Monica: Oh, please, stop! Look, were supposed to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you could tell mejust say, I dont like your massages.Chandler: (falling into that trap) I dont like your massages.Monica: (starting to cry) See? Its no

46、big deal.Chandler: Okay, but now see youre crying!Monica: Im not crying about that! Im crying about something that happened at work.Chandler: What?Monica: (bursting into tears) My boyfriend said he didnt like my massages.Chandler: Its okay, you dont have to be the best at everything.Monica: Oh my Go

47、d! You dont know me at all!Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world.Monica: Im crying here!Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, Whos the best of that? Theyd have to go

48、to you.Monica: Huh. So youre saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that?Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And youd get all the votes!Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica?Chandler: Absolutely!Monica: Okay. I suck!Chandler:

49、Yeah! (They hug.)Scene: Central Perk, Frank Sr. is just arriving.Phoebe: Umm, thank you for meeting with me.Frank Sr.: Thank you. All right.Phoebe: Come, sit. (Hes hesitant.) Sit. (Still hesitating.) Sit! (He sits on the arm of the couch.) Umm, all righty, before we get started I justI need you to s

50、tate for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay.Frank Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm.Phoebe: Okay.Frank Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me?Phoebe: Huh?Frank Sr.: Well, thats why you wanted me to come, right?Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeahno. She did. She left you umm, (looking in her p

51、urse) this lipstick.Frank Sr.: Oh. Huh. Its huh, well its (opens it) oh itsew used. Umm, cool.Phoebe: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so Im going to get out my official forms. (She picks up a couple of crumpled receipts.) Okay, so, question 1) You and uh, you were married to Francis daughte

52、r Lilly, is that correct?Frank Sr.: Yes, yes I was.Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?Frank Sr.: It really says that?!Phoebe: Yeah. See? (Quickly shows him.)Frank Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I

53、would I would have to say C.Phoebe: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A. Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or youre just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man?Frank Sr.: Yknow, I dont think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to leave.) But umm Oh, would yo

54、u do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.)Phoebe: What?!Frank Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me the way you got mad at me

55、and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note, would you give it to her please?Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly?Frank Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why?Phoebe: Lillys dead. (He looks up in shock.)Frank Sr.: She what?!Phoebe: Shes dead.Frank Sr.: Are you sure?Phoebe: Well, if she isnt then c

56、remating her was a big mistake.Frank Sr.: I cant believe this. I justI cant believe this. How-howOh my God. How long ago?Phoebe: 17 years ago.Frank Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls?Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.(Silence en

57、sues.)Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you!Frank Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, (Sits down next to her and brushes against her leg.) Oops. (He backs up.) I just, I-I-I-I dont, I dont know what to say. I just cant believe that youre my daughter, youre so pretty.Phoebe: Yes. Well, thats neit

58、her here nor there.Frank Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very sorry that I left?Phoebe: Yknow what, it doesnt matter what you say its not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go.Frank Sr.: All right. Well, yknow in my defense I was a lousy father.Phoe

59、be: Thats a defense?Frank Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that made you cry even more!Phoebe: You make up songs?Frank Sr.: Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Lets see, how did it, how did

60、it go. Umm. (Singing.) Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.Why wont you go to sleep?Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.Youre, youre, youre keeping me uppp! (Yeah, thats to the tune of Smelly Cat.)Yeah. (Phoebe is trying not to smile. He moves closer and very shyly holds out his hand and turns his head, hoping for Phoebe

61、 to take his hand. She doesnt.)Frank Sr.: I just, I yknow, Im not very good at this. So, umm (Backs away.)Phoebe: Well, I am. (Moves over and takes his hand.)(She holds his hand for a little while then)Phoebe: Not yet, no. (Drops his hand and moves back.)Ending CreditsScene: Monica and Rachels, Joey

62、 returns from his audition and finds everyone but Phoebe there.Joey: (dejected) Hi.All: Hey!Chandler: Hey man, how did the audition go?Joey: Estelle said I didnt get it. (Sits down next to Rachel on the couch.)Rachel: What?! Why? Joey you were so ready for it!Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she sa

63、id the casting people had some problems with me.Ross: What kind of problem?Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause) they had a problem with the bag!Chandler: Oh my God!Ross: Nooooo!Joey: Yknow what? It was a stupid play anyway!Monica: Yknow, Joey, I think its time to give up the bag.Joey: I dont wanna give up the bag. I dont have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? (Shes avoiding his eyes.) Oh, you think I should give up the bag!Rachel: Honey wait, Joey, Im sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are with it (Looks for help.)Chandler: