I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed

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1、My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.Jack Benny No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.Ashleigh Brilliant. The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its te

2、aching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offenseEdsger Dijkstra Dont be so humble - you are not that great.Golda Meir My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.Spike Milligan My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia foreve

3、r. The bombing will begin in five minutes.Ronald ReaganUS president during radio microphone test. Thats the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke.Sean OCasey Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.Abba E

4、ban A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. Tenneva Jordan. My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.Peter De Vries What would men be without women? Scarc

5、e, sir, mighty scarce. Mark Twain If it werent for electricity wed all be watching television by candlelight.George Gobal. Coding styles are like assholes, everyone has one and no one likes anyone elses.Eric Warmenhoven She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of par

6、abolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.Woody Allen Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think thats how dogs spend their lives.Sue Murphy. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million mil

7、es per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. Robert X. Cringely. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.Thomas Jones If the human bodys obscene, complain to the manufacturer, not to me.Larry Flynt A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.H. L. Mencke

8、n I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. WC Fields. In Hollywood, if you dont have happiness you send out for it.Rex Reed. Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.Winston Churchill If only God would

9、 give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.Woody Allen Nuke the whales When Peter Beardsley appears on television, daleks hide behind the sofa. Nick Hancock. Until you walk a mile in another mans moccasins you cant imagine the sme

10、ll.Robert Byrne Old age isnt so bad when you consider the alternatives.Maurice ChevalierOn 77th birthday. In mathematics you dont understand things. You just get used to them.John Von Neumann Im sixty years of age. Thats 16 Celsius. George Carlin. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of th

11、at comes from bad judgment.Will Rogers In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.Oscar Wilde The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.Robert Benchley Eagles may soar high, but weasels dont get su

12、cked into jet engines.John Benfield Im not a member of any organized political party, Im a Democrat!Will Rogers The majority rule only works if youre also considering individual rights. Because you cant have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.Larry Flynt A man in love is inc

13、omplete until he has married. Then hes finished.Zsa Zsa Gabor Id never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.Mercedes McCambridge It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to bege

14、t children is a natural urge. Phyllis Diller. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.Mark Twain Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.Mark Twain I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.Groucho Marx

15、. Martins acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing. Harry Medved on Dean Martin It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. Dan Quayle. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon playing golf. Henry Aa

16、ron. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much hed learned in seven years.Mark Twain Spielberg isnt a filmmaker, hes a confectioner. Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg When I was a

17、boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much hed learned in seven years.Author UnknownOften erroneously attributed to Mark Twain. Wed all like to vote for the best man but hes never a candida

18、te. Kin Hubbard. I rob banks because thats where the money is.Willie Sutton. I have a new philosophy. Im only going to dread one day at a time.Charles M. Schulz Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.George Burns Youll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks. R

19、obin Williams. You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.Mark Twain Love your enemies. Itll make em crazy. If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?Linda Ellerbee MTV is the lava lamp of th

20、e 1980s.Doug Ferrari Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.George Bernard Shaw. Never have more children than you have car windows.Erma Bombeck For NASA, space is still a high priority. Dan Quayle 5/9/90 Any sufficiently advanced

21、bug is indistinguishable from a feature.Bruce Brown I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.Ronald Reagan. The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns.Herman Wouk. Oh no, the dead have risen and theyre voting Republican.Lisa Simpson A man

22、in the house is worth two in the street.Mae West Never floss with a stranger.Joan Rivers Chamberlain seemed such a nice old gentleman that I thought I would give him my autograph.Adolf Hitler. The best way to behave is to misbehave.Mae West Give a man a free hand and hell try to put it all over you.

23、Mae West When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.Helen Rowland Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.Victor Hugo Julie Andrews has lilacs instead of pubic hairs.Christopher Plummer. I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wou

24、nded. Dead.Woody Allen I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant. In mathematics you dont understand things. You just get used to them.John Von Neumann As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school.Cokie Roberts Keyboard not found.

25、Press to RESUME. Source unknown (appears in many common BIOSes as a real error message) To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.Oscar Wilde Wagners music is better than it sounds.Mark Twain Im kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.James Brown Televis

26、ion is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy.Richard Nixon Its not what I do, but the way I do it. Its not what I say, but the way I say it.Mae West The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid and stable business.John Steinbeck. No great genius has ever existed witho

27、ut some touch of madness.Aristotle I love mankind. Its people I cant stand.Charles Monroe Schultz The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular? David Sarnoffs associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in th

28、e 1920s. 安全文明考试网 安全文明驾驶知识考题How come none of these boxers seem to have a losing record?George Carlin If it turns out that there is a God, I dont think that hes evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically hes an underachiever.Woody Allen So I rang up a local building firm, I said

29、I want a skip outside my house. He said Im not stopping you.Tommy Cooper In married life three is company and two none.Oscar Wilde If you live to be one hundred, youve got it made. Very few people die past that age.George Burns My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course

30、 he could, so long as he didnt take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they dont even invite me.Dave Barry I was trying to daydream, but my mind ke

31、pt wandering.Steven Wright I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.Emo Philips So my choice is Or Death? Eddie Izzard I saw a bank that said 24 Hour B

32、anking, but I dont have that much time.Steven Wright Im an Action TransvestiteEddie Izzard Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.George Burns If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?George Carlin I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.Steven Wright