English-Jes(英语笑话)

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1、 English Jokes(英语笑话) I forgot to shake the bottle Mother: Why are you jumping up and down? Tom: Ive just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle. 妈妈：你为什么不断地跳上跳下的？ 汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了。Get the kid.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement co

2、mmunity. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,Get the kid. 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。由于那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，她们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”她究竟想借什么？ Are you using you mower this afternoon? Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower

3、 this afternoon? Mr.Smith: Yes. Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you wont be needing it? 约翰逊先生：今天下午你准备用割草机吗？ 史密斯先生：是的。 约翰逊先生：太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗？所有的烟卷都会点着的All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.Mary was so disgusted at her husbands cigarette smoking that s

4、he complained to him one day.I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.Dont worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later. He said with a smile. 玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天对她抱怨说：“我但愿有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”“不用紧张，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”她笑着说。A fine weapon to kill timeDo you sing and play muc

5、h? a young man asked the pretty girl who was carelessly thrumming the keys of the piano.Only to kill time. she replied. Youve got a fine weapon, I must admit. Ventured大胆提出 the young man.向主保密I dont want Him to know Im here.A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out

6、-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation. After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. Id rather not, the c

7、lergyman said, I dont want Him to know Im here. 一位出名牧师和她教区的几位老人出席城外会议直到天黑才开完会，她们打算在回家前吃点东西。但很不巧只有一家名声不好的下等酒吧烤菜馆开着门。 饭后，一位老人要牧师祈祷。“我想我是免了，”牧师说。“我不想让主懂得我在这里。”否则Otherwise he would try to borrow it from me. Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him

8、? Jack: Certainly. Tom: And why? Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me. 汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给她？ 杰克：固然应当了。 汤姆：为什么？ 杰克：否则她就该跟我借了。心不在焉的丈夫I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the

9、case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded. Why are you so nervous? I asked him. The numbers are the date of our anniversary. my husband confessed. 我陪丈夫一起出差，她带着她的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要她打开包。她耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回忆起暗锁的密码。

10、最后她终于想起来了。“你为什么那么紧张呢？”我问她。“这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”她承认道。还是太贵It is still too muchAn old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shipman: How much this stuff? Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap. The lady said, It is too much, give it to me for fourteen. I di

11、d not say seventeen dollars, but seven. It is still too much, replied the old lady, give it to me for five. 一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。 她问店员：“这东西要多少钱？”“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。” 老太太说：“太贵了，十四美元差不多。”店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。” “还是太贵，”老太太说：“五美元，我就买啦。” Moms here?One evening I drove my husbands car to the shopping mall. On

12、my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.My husband looked up and said, Moms here? 一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵

13、。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。” 我丈夫昂首看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”谁在打架Who was fighting? Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red? Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight. Mother: Thats a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting? Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith. 妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？ 弗雷迪：我刚刚在大街上跑，为的是制止一

14、次打架？ 妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。 弗雷迪：我和杰克史密斯。 It was overdueYour funny story was too overdue. i used to hear about it when i was just a middle school student. have you ever heard about this sentence: we brother who and who?One moreP-patient D-doctorP: Doctor, the medicine u gave me was of great help!D: Oh? How

15、much do u have at a time?P: None, but my uncle had them, now im his only heir继承人!Best Restaurant There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said The Best Restaurant in the City. The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which

16、said The Best Restaurant in the World. On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said The Best Restaurant on this Block.allybabyOnce two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have cease

17、d breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:First, you should make sure that he is already dead. Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:What should I do nex

18、t? 两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一种猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一种猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先拟定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办My Baby Swallowed a BulletYoung Mother: Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?Doctor: Dont point him at anybody.年轻的妈妈说：“医生，我孩子吞下一颗子弹，我该怎么办？”医生说：“不要让她指着任何人。”爱因斯坦与上帝Einst

19、ein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.God, what does a million years mean to you? The Lord replies, A minute. Einstein asks, And what does a million dollars mean to you? The Lord replies, A penny. Einstein asks, Can I have a penny? The Lo

20、rd replies, In a minute.爱因斯坦登上西奈山与上帝近距离交谈。仰望着上帝，她问道：“神啊，一百万年对于你来说相称于什么呢？”上帝回答：“一分钟。”爱因斯坦问：“一百万元对于你来说又相称于什么呢？”上帝回答：“一分钱。”爱因斯坦问：“能给我一分钱吗？”上帝说：“请等一分钟。”Ive Just Bitten My Tongue Are we poisonous? the young snake asked his mother. Yes, dear, she replied - Why do you ask? Cause Ive just bitten my tongue!

21、Notes: (1) poisonous adj.有毒的 (2) Cause Ive just bitten my tongue 由于我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。 我刚咬破自己的舌头 “我们有毒吗？”一种年幼的蛇问它的妈妈。 “是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？” “由于我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。” Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? I gave it to a p

22、oor old woman, he answered. Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly. Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman? She is the one who sells the candy. 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一种可怜的老太婆，”她回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感爱好呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”He is really s

23、omebody- My uncle has 1000 men under him.- He is really somebody. What does he do?- A maintenance man in a cemetery.她真是一种大人物- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。- 她真是一种大人物。干什么的？- 坟场守墓人。A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?B: Its a girl. Shes my daughter.A: Oh, Im sor

24、ry, sir. I didnt know that you were her father.B: Im not. Im her mother.A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.Wow!, said her father, That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What

25、 happened?Wrong number, replied the girl.Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?Little Johnny: But I asked first!Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.Waitress: Oh, thats okay. The soup isnt hot.Why d

26、o you take baths in milk?I cant find a cow tall enough for a shower.You look very funny wearing that belt.I would look even funnier if I didnt wear it.I was born in California.Which part?All of me.Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and bar

27、ked, Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, You see, it pays to be bilingual!Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.

28、The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldnt eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,oh, come on, lets eat the sandwiches. Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, If you do, I wont

29、 go!The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb to walk in simple present.The student: I walk. You walk .The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.The student: I run. You run .A: Look at your face I know what you have for breakfastB: What was it?A: Eggs.B: No, that was yesterday.A: Why are all thos

30、e people running?B: They are running a race to get a cup.A: Who will get the cup?B: The person who wins.A: Then why are all the others running?Said to a railroad engineer:Whats the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.The reply from the railroad engineer:How would we know the

31、y were late, if we didnt have a schedule?A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesnt rush to my feet. Why is this?B: Its because your feet arent empty.Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?Student: No, he did it all by himself.M

32、ary: John says Im pretty. Andy says Im ugly. What do you think, Peter?Peter: I think youre pretty ugly.A person who speaks two languages is bilingual.A person who speaks three languages is trilingual.A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.What is a person who speaks one language?An American.